The reason why  I decided to write this is due to a challenge issued by  my fellow batchmate , Karman-Hey . The challenge was if he published his love-life  story in this blog , I will too . He accepted the challenge , now it’s my turn , for a gentleman will never shy away from a challenge issued by  another gentleman .

For a while , in this batch , and compared to everyone who I have met , I was the only one who managed to stick in a relationship the longest , 7-8 years ( depends on how people calculate it) . From 12 years old boy , to 19 years old  seafarer , sailing through the East China Sea . It all started when the second in term of good-looks ranking girl spilled out that she have a crush on me ever since we were 11 years old . Well , as a guy who don’t really excel in term of looks , I just jumped to the opportunity and decided to be with her . At  first , it was just purely on pride , the feeling wasn’t really there . Imagine , finally being able to be called a boyfriend to one of the most beautiful girl in my primary school . I was proud as hell .

Untill I was 19 years , we have gone through a lot .From being with her due to looks , I fall in love with her as a whole . I fall in love with her personality , her quirks , her imperfections  And she changed me , a lot . My father raised me to be someone who will never show weakness , be it through shedding  tears , or through pouring my heart to someone else . He taught me that by being alone , by not showing any sign of weakness , by bearing the whole sadness and pain by myself without sharing the burden to anyone , that is what it takes to be respected , to be seen strong by everyone . By being strong , no one can step on me , or use me . That’s how I grew up , without sharing any of my secret or stories to anyone , even my closest friends . But she managed to persuade me to share with her my secrets and dreams . She provide a safe place for me to cry . She pushed me to be someone better . She was my dream , my ambition . Every layout of my future , my career , my financial plan , my future home , everything was planned with her inside it . She was the pillar of everything  that I have planned .

Everything changes . Maybe its due to my temper and jealousy . Maybe its due to my obsession with promises . Maybe she’ve found someone better than me . But whatever the reason was , we broke up when I was onboard a ship . She called , and decided to end our relationship , without any solid reason . It was a huge blow to me , and I’ve never really recovered . I’ve tried my best to remain friends , contacting her once in a while , even accompanied her when she flew to Russia to further her studies . But I’ve stop any form of contact with her by the end of last year when I raise to myself ,  Why am I the one who felt the pain ? Why I’m the one who have to go through all the dreams when I closed my eyes ? She broke up with me twice before , and in both occasions was through phone call . And when she asked to resume back our relationship , I foolishly accept it , without any question . I didn’t ask for any explanation  , nor did I push her away . I accepted her even when she hurt me . I accepted her even when she didn’t have the guts to meet me face to face to break up . I pretend like it never happened and we moved on , with promises from her that she will never ever do it again , and yet here I am , writing these blog . Yes , my temper and jealousy was bad , but does it ever occur to her that I would have never hurt her intentionally ? And I was extremely surprised how she overlook the fact I forgave her , and even act like she never did broke up with me TWICE !!!!!!  I forgave  her , while my friends keep telling me it’s a huge mistake . I accept her even when they say she’ll do it again . I shrug it off , for I believe in your promises . She left me when I was alone onboard , with nowhere else to go . The period where I needed her the most , she left me . My studies stopped and I was living like an empty shell onboard . Luckily my chief officer understood my situation and he let me move at my own pace . Everyone onboard helped me to regain my composure and I managed to pull it together after 3 months .

But with all the anger , the hatred , the anguish  , the feeling of being lied to again and again , it was never the reason why I stop contacting her . It was due to my inability to move on . I know for a fact that if she come back , I would have accept her unconditionally . I need to forget her . I need to cut off every memory of her just so that I can lead a happy life . It’s a and painful decision , but its nothing compared to when I listen to her story , knowing the fact she’s no longer  mine . Its nothing compared to the pain of drifting to sleep , and dreaming of her very now and then . You once said to me that sleep is a form of escape , but how can it be if every time I sleep , I met you . I stop any form of contact with her and her family not due to anger or hate , but its for me to find peace and happiness for myself .

To everyone else who’s in a relationship , my advice is treat her with respect . Love them , and never breached their trust in you . But always be prepared for the worst , and never give them everything  yet . If you do , pray that you are their soulmate . For when they decided to leave , you might never be able to pull yourself together again .

To Karman , bro I wish for the best for you . I hope she’s the one , and I hope she’s not the same as all the girls out there . We seafarer are strong and loyal , and due to that , I have no question on your ability to remain loyal to her . But the danger are never on ship , my friend . The danger , is on land .

*Challenger done.